if you’re anything like me then you like to keep up to date with fashion trends while maintaining the cool, hip lifestyle choice that is depression and anxiety. It can be hard to balance the two while maintaining a look that isn’t “hollow eyed” or “dead inside” so i have made a handy guide to looking hip.
step 1: get out of bed
step 2: no, seriously, get out of bed, you haven’t gotten out of bed for three days now except to go smoke in your garden, you caught the next door neighbour staring at you from her window like you were some kind of rare creature and you made eye contact with her for a bit too long and she drew the curtains and you just stood there for ten minutes wondering if you’re real or not.
step 3: are you out of bed? come on, you can do it
step 4: alright, you’re out of bed, now here comes the hard part because at this point you hate your body with the kind of energy usually reserved for hating normal things, like taxes or accidentally pulling the pull ring off a can of beans and not being able to find the can opener. So here’s what you’re going to do, put on the most comfortable clothes you can find, what do you mean they don’t match? right now that doesn’t matter, just put some clothes on and don’t look in the mirror and leave the house.
step 5: at this point you have probably crawled back in to bed, so get back out of bed and leave the house.
step 6: alright, the first step is finding new clothes. Yes, you do need new clothes, your best t-shirt has also become your “around the house” t-shirt, you need new clothes, so head to a shop, preferably one where cool teens don’t work and that has few mirrors.
step 7: alright, pick up a shirt and stare at it, what size are you now? it’s been a while since you’ve gotten on a scale, buy a xxxl just in case you aren’t a medium anymore, now look at the xxxl shirt, is it a good style? will it make your life better? will it be the mythical thing you’ve been searching for that will take the tick called depression and hold a match to it, will it make you want up in the morning just to put the shirt on and leave the house? no, probably not, but buy it anyway just in case.
step 8: go to a changing room and take some diazepam
step 9: stare at mannequins displaying trousers, pick up a few pairs and stare at them in wonderment and despair, rationalise to yourself that trousers aren’t really necessary anyway and leave the store
step 10: get a coffee to balance out the diazepam
step 11: go the hairdressers, it’s been about three months since you’ve been here, sit down in the chair and mumble to the man that’s known you since you were born to just do something with your hair, try your best to not make eye contact with him, remember when he asks how you’re doing to keep your answers as vague as possible, maybe just close your eyes for the entire time, that won’t be weird at all.
step 12: oh god, where are you, no seriously where are you, this is really, really bad, walk in to a charity shop and maybe buy a tie and put it on? tell them you’re on your way to a funeral and laugh to yourself for a minute, tick human contact off your check list
step 13: realise you aren’t actually lost you’re on your street, stare at the moon for five hours, who cares.