“So why haven’t you?”

I never know how to take this, it sounds weird to me, patronising, remote, distancing.

Like you’ve gone to the local skate park and you’re standing in front of all the cool teens in their tight jeans and bandanas or whatever it is teens are wearing and you’ve just said “Hey, watch this sick kick flip i can do.” And then you proceed to just stand in place and piss your pants and all of the teens laugh at you and tell you to go back home to your skull collection and braid your hair in to intricate symbols that have something to do with the illuminati, or whatever it is cool teens are collecting/doing. 

But you can’t even leave, you just fuck up more by standing around and now it’s night time and all the cool teens have left to make way for the threatening teens and you’re just looking up at the stars with your piss jeans gradually drying off, but on the plus side the threatening teens won’t come near you because you smell like piss.

And it’s something i don’t think any single suicidal person has ever known the answer to, why haven’t we? There are so many answers. 

Because i want to be there for my best friends wedding, because i want to be there when my friends are sad, because i want to see mum on christmas, because i want to hold my kid, because i want to be out dancing at 4a.m., because i want to have an argument in public, because i like crying in public, because sometimes i don’t hate myself, because i want to see how well life turns out for everyone, because i want to be able to love again, because i want to be able to smile at someone in 20 years, because i want to turn the lights out and hear the sound of my next door neighbours fighting.

Because deep inside i somewhere have the very weird notion that i am a person and i am not insane and that everything might just be okay.

And i might have to remind myself of this daily, i might have to remind myself every hour, or on particularly bad days every second, but i think it’s why i’m still alive. But i find it hard to express this to the people who ask me in everyday life, because it’s impossible to sum up. I have entire days where it’s all i can think about, it’s just a fact that the world would be better off without me, and people can argue against me on this on those days but they won’t win, it’s just a fact to me, it’s just a certainty, those things i want? They don’t matter, they won’t happen, it’s hard to explain to people what feels like a massive contradiction, that you want to live but you have to die.

And those days scare me, and recently i’ve been having a lot of them just these days of silent focused self hatred, daring myself to hang myself in the bathroom, to jump in front of that car, to do anything but live. It’s just this weird little battle inside me and i feel like i’m just kind of watching on the sideline, like i was at a football game where i didn’t really care about either team, i’m just sitting there watching and waiting to see what’s going to happen.

So that’s my answer, my answer is that i’m not sure why i haven’t, i don’t think i want to, even though i know with such certainty sometimes that it’s the best thing i could do for everyone. Because underneath that is the small, simple notion that i am a human and that life is fucked up and i am fucked up and you are fucked up and maybe that’s alright. And maybe at some point one side or the other is going to win, i don’t know, i’m not sure, i’m never sure, but for now i’m kind of fine standing in the skate park at night smelling of piss.

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Author: angus macnaghten

cynical and cyclical, hit me up, ajmacnaghten@hotmail.co.uk

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