dump

listen,
i'm just saying the new flag
should be a picture of your uterus

all the local kids
are scared of her
but all her spells
are just betterment
so let off

i am sitting on top of a comedy club
she went to get wine
i hate wine
but i'm not going to tell her that
i haven't heard anyone laugh
in fucking forever

she smokes
and talks about california
way too much

i think
about 
him wearing 
pretty dresses

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graham

when i was 16 i had a second home, this little pub off a main street, it was run by a man who looked like he could choke out a man while pouring a pint without spilling a drop, it had a bar maid who was years older than me and had no reason to be kind to me but she was, she spent hours sitting with me playing cards and just putting up with me hanging around, and her boyfriend. the first time i met him i was honestly kind of put off, he was this loud brash alpha male guy. but after a while we became kind of friends, he tried to bring the best out of me, and he took me under his wing, even if one time he wouldn’t let me out of his car so i had to jump out at a street sign. we were an odd little family, but we were a family, and eventually graham joined, he just kind of showed up, this smiling little man, he joined up for the pub quiz team and brought me two or three pints, which honestly probably made me like him more than just talking to him. but he became a fixture as well, he was always there. 

and then one day we all just stopped going down there, different reasons, different ways, different paths, all that shit, but he kept in contact with me all the time, he would comment on nearly everything i posted, everything i wrote that i sent to him he praised, he brought me up more than anyone else ever could. 

for some reason from him something that someone else would say like “oh, good job” that would sound sarcastic, from him sounded like the most earnest thing, everything he said he meant, and that’s genuinely rare, to meet someone who can give you approval you didn’t even know you needed or wanted, just because it was from them, just because it was from a genuinely good person.

and i’m not going to pretend i knew him the best, because obviously i didn’t, but i know that in one of my last conversations with him i told him how much i appreciated him and his constant support and love towards me, and he basically replied with “nah, i’m just an old wanker mate” and i think that summed him up more than anything i could say or write, he was just a guy who tried his best, who was kind and supportive when he didn’t need to be, who put himself out there for others and to help others who didn’t ask for thanks, he was selfless, he was the kind of person who made other people want to be a better person.

and he would hate me for saying any of that, he would hate me to spend a second eulogising him, saying he was a good person, he would put himself down, so i guess i’m just going to end this with a fucking nonsensical joke. a good man walked in to a bar, 

“So why haven’t you?”

I never know how to take this, it sounds weird to me, patronising, remote, distancing.

Like you’ve gone to the local skate park and you’re standing in front of all the cool teens in their tight jeans and bandanas or whatever it is teens are wearing and you’ve just said “Hey, watch this sick kick flip i can do.” And then you proceed to just stand in place and piss your pants and all of the teens laugh at you and tell you to go back home to your skull collection and braid your hair in to intricate symbols that have something to do with the illuminati, or whatever it is cool teens are collecting/doing. 

But you can’t even leave, you just fuck up more by standing around and now it’s night time and all the cool teens have left to make way for the threatening teens and you’re just looking up at the stars with your piss jeans gradually drying off, but on the plus side the threatening teens won’t come near you because you smell like piss.

And it’s something i don’t think any single suicidal person has ever known the answer to, why haven’t we? There are so many answers. 

Because i want to be there for my best friends wedding, because i want to be there when my friends are sad, because i want to see mum on christmas, because i want to hold my kid, because i want to be out dancing at 4a.m., because i want to have an argument in public, because i like crying in public, because sometimes i don’t hate myself, because i want to see how well life turns out for everyone, because i want to be able to love again, because i want to be able to smile at someone in 20 years, because i want to turn the lights out and hear the sound of my next door neighbours fighting.

Because deep inside i somewhere have the very weird notion that i am a person and i am not insane and that everything might just be okay.

And i might have to remind myself of this daily, i might have to remind myself every hour, or on particularly bad days every second, but i think it’s why i’m still alive. But i find it hard to express this to the people who ask me in everyday life, because it’s impossible to sum up. I have entire days where it’s all i can think about, it’s just a fact that the world would be better off without me, and people can argue against me on this on those days but they won’t win, it’s just a fact to me, it’s just a certainty, those things i want? They don’t matter, they won’t happen, it’s hard to explain to people what feels like a massive contradiction, that you want to live but you have to die.

And those days scare me, and recently i’ve been having a lot of them just these days of silent focused self hatred, daring myself to hang myself in the bathroom, to jump in front of that car, to do anything but live. It’s just this weird little battle inside me and i feel like i’m just kind of watching on the sideline, like i was at a football game where i didn’t really care about either team, i’m just sitting there watching and waiting to see what’s going to happen.

So that’s my answer, my answer is that i’m not sure why i haven’t, i don’t think i want to, even though i know with such certainty sometimes that it’s the best thing i could do for everyone. Because underneath that is the small, simple notion that i am a human and that life is fucked up and i am fucked up and you are fucked up and maybe that’s alright. And maybe at some point one side or the other is going to win, i don’t know, i’m not sure, i’m never sure, but for now i’m kind of fine standing in the skate park at night smelling of piss.